The first day of First Grade was very symbolic of our acclimation back to the U.S. No concept of time, buttoned up through the center and disheveled around the collar, dazed and in denial, our tanks are all low but somehow we're still running, going through the motions without letting ourselves feel emotions. When Noemie entered the schoolyard last Wednesday she parted a sea of parents still standing around. The lone child marching into the school after their kids were already in the building. Just setting the stage, we were on full display as the very last family to make it to school that day. All the exciting talks leading up to this day about how she can't wait to reunite with her friends, run up to her schoolmates and see whose in her class, meet her new teacher, show off her cool new jean jacket and hand painted backpack - it was all crushed!
As a parent whenever I head into an eventful day, I usually play out all the scenarios that could derail things and come up with a series of contingency plans. I assumed the early alarm will mean she'll be moving slower. I knew she would be nervous and knit picky about everything looking a certain way before she left the house. I knew we would do her hair five times only for her to decide not to do anything with her hair at all. I knew she would be too excited to eat her whole breakfast. So in preparation we went to bed early and got good sleep, we laid out her clothes the night before, we tried out different hairdos ahead of time and decided on one, I even made a very easy breakfast to pick up and eat on the go. What I did NOT plan for was one of the most defiant underwear strikes ever to go down in the history of underwear wearers. I learned if she liked a hair style one day it doesn't mean she will like it the next day. I didn't plan for when she was ready to leave the house, other family members were not going to be ready to leave the house. The breakfast became a fable sitting on the table, an ambitious concept no one had to time for. The biggest thing I did not plan for was arriving on her first day of school well after the bell rang.
So yeh her little face wasn't bouncing and smiling walking across that school yard. It was tight and expressionless. Her hair was both down and up. Standing straight up on its own like a soft serve sundae swirl because of all the troubleshoot hairdos and hair spray it went through, only for her to yank it all out. No welcoming committee or big debut for her cool new jean jacket and hand painted backpack. I was really beating myself up as a mom after this one. Replaying what I should have done differently, like a loop I wouldn't let myself out of. I even told myself as we entered the school year and work force, after being gone for so long, that we need to give ourselves a lot of grace. But here I was, not giving me or my husband ANY grace. Thankfully the principal of Noemie's little school gave us the grace we weren't giving ourselves. He found us looking dazed and panicked in the hallways trying to find her classroom. He said the best thing anyone could have said in that moment, "Hey! It doesn't even matter! I'm SO GLAD you all made it." He was right. It's just the first say of school and it doesn't even matter. Even if it didn't look exactly like we thought it would, in the end we did make it. Whenever you return from a long trip, or a long summer, it's like jumping into a fast spinning jump rope that already has momentum. Of course you are going to stumble on the first try.
This week I just want to acknowledge all the parents after these first days of school, and really anyone going through a big clunky transition. Remind us to give ourselves a whole lot of grace. Because in the end we did it! We're STILL doing it. In the studio we are going to practice grace. Not just in our physical movement, where we land lighter and move smoother, but also the grace we don't see. The grace we quietly give ourselves when things don't look how we thought they would look, or feel like we thought it would feel, or go perfectly planned. Know that there is a community around you feeling the same way, and I'll be here to remind you "it doesn't even matter." In the end you showed up. You are doing it.
Per usual Noemie served as a model for how we should all be feeling and also how resilient we really are. When mama and dada said "we're fine" ... she said, "NOPE. I'm tired" When mama and dada said "we need to hurry up" ... she said, "NOPE. It's okay to slow down." When mama thinks "this day is ruined for her" ... at the end of the day she is hugging all her friends, and comes running with her face bouncing and smiling, and said "NOPE. I'm fine."
Then of course when we ask her to put on underwear the next morning ... she said "NAH!"
Excited to make your bodies sweat, smile, and give ourselves as much grace as we need this week.
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