Mending a Seam Even if There's Always A Hole

Thanksgiving can bring a lot of things to the table. Not just the steamy dishes and that smoked bird in the center, but there's another flood of senses that fills the room. A holiday table can bring together the most colorful gathering of humans. Just like the food on the table, some of the characters around the table are filling, some are new and fun, some aren't as interesting but necessary, some are your favorites, some are comforting, some are really complicated. Maybe you've learned from previous years that all of this at one time is too much for your digestive system - so you ditch all of it and go to Tulum for Thanksgiving break.

Either way there is a mash up of emotions, sometimes hard emotions that not even marshmallows on top make better. This year our extended family and the established holiday traditions that come with them feel shakier. The foundation has cracks so the other members of the family have to do awkward hopping and tiptoeing over it. It took more stretching, stabilizing, a decent amount of suppressing, to get everyone at the table this year.

It started the same way these things always start, with the tiniest disagreement. Followed by silent treatments and stalemates. The smoke coming off it was way bigger and more intense than it's flame. I'm used to the Italian way of conflict resolution, which is to rant and rave to anyone who will listen, kick and slip over each other's points like a slapstick routine, puff up with vengeance like a Francis Ford Coppola scene. Then it's over, time for panna cotta.

The Polish, however, are like the Cold War. Less of a telenovela and more of a film noir. Black and white with little dialogue or facial expressions. Slow, uncomfortable scenes of people wearing thick, uncomfortable clothing. They have no resolutions or story arc. The only arc is the tipping of the tea kettle.

Doesn't matter what your family background or style is, a feud can take time to fully mend. Especially when the path from problem to resolution is not a straight one, or clear one. The reason is because we usually get the starting point wrong. The big plume of smoke is not from that small fire after all. It's from something way deeper and larger. It's the underground volcano that's been suppressed and ignored for way too long, sometimes decades. Any homeowner whose ever had a mysterious leak knows more times than not, the spot that's dripping is not the source of the issue.

Then once you discover the source, it's weighing out the cost and damage to fully fix it. The fastest route is usually the cheapest and more inefficient solution, the one the rest of the family tends to recommend because they just want this over with. A bandaid apology to make it go away for now. Say the thing that will make things quiet but fixes nothing. This temporary patch doesn't actually address the real wound. The problem still exists and will inevitably grow and cause an even bigger disaster later.

The other option is a sledgehammer to the wall and attempt to reconstruct everything, a big intervention. This is a risk because it's a high cost for something that might not work. In this case, there is a big generational gap... more of a complete generational lapse. The expectations are outdated and unrealistic, the foundation is set in it's ways. So, trying to change something that has little budge isn't always possible.

The last resort is to remove yourself from the issue. Move away from the discomfort so you don't have have to encounter it again. If there was significant irreparable damage causing real harm, then yes, this might need to happen. In this particular situation it's not necessary. This family disagreement shouldn't require punishments, threats, or explosive anger to fix. I find too often if a loved one is really upset and hurt they are too quick to go here, the silent treatment for an extended period of time as a form of punishment. Equivalent to being mad that there's a hole in your wall, so you punch another hole in the wall. It only causes more damage. Someone who doesn't have more mature tools uses primal ones. Not to mention, it's can be a very selfish solution. Now other family members and younger generations miss out on family bonding opportunities for something they didn't do.

This is where we are. We can't continue as it has been; it's a waste of energy and resources to reconstruct a stubborn institution with old bones, and there is no need to completely relocate. So I do what I always do when I feel stuck, snack on deli cheeses and listen to podcasts. I was listening to Matt Abrahams who is an author, speaker, and coach on how to communicate more effectively. I was initially listening because I'm always up for improving my verbal skills and speaking with more clarity when I teach. However, I happen to be listening to this at the same time I'm trying to help resolve this Cold War. We are getting to the point where uncomfortable casual encounters and heartfelt letters haven't worked, so it's time for a "talk." Seems simple enough, however, if history repeats itself, these talks are less of an open forum where feelings are effectively expressed, accountability is taken, and there's a way forward. It becomes more of a medieval archery competition, where one person is the arrow and the other is the target.

So how can we have a conversation that can change a stubborn dynamic into an effective one? Even though a lot of Abrahams podcast was about how to speak effectively in front of an audience, I feel it can be applied to mediation. Especially when you feel stuck in a certain rhythm in speaking and want your intentions to be clearer. His main advice is to care less about getting the information out and more about how it lands. Many times in arguments, there's more energy going into what you want to say and getting that out, with less awareness of how it's being received ... or IF it's being received. Especially when emotions are high, it's like talking with a blindfold and earmuffs on. This is when we make the mistake of speaking without a filter or saying something we don't mean. He said if you approach your message with your guards down, radars up, and body language open, ready to receive as much as you are off loading, it changes everything. Especially when there are cultural and generational differences, you're reminded of "who we are communicating to and the context and culture in which we're communicating." Anytime we get stuck, stay curious and "ask questions."

Which is the number one thing Abrahams says can resolve a dispute, LISTENING. "A lot of our arguments are over things that really don't exist." He said when he's done mediation work he just has each party listen to each other fully without interruption. That alone can resolve it because they realize the anger came from a complete misunderstanding.

If you're worried the talk will be a borage of anger coming at you, again you're on the other side of someone's target practice, Abrahams said to start by setting boundaries. Let them know you want to say your piece then they can come in with their side of things. If they still interrupt one really effective way of acknowledging them while still making progress is paraphrase what they just said before you say your next point. Do this every time. Repeating someone's feelings gives their arrow the satisfaction of hitting the dart board but in an effective, loving way.

I think one of the more important takeaways, and what will most likely be the case in our family's tense Film Noir, is "getting comfortable with the discomfort of not knowing how things will transpire." There is the very possible scenario that the response won't be what we are hoping for, that we will still be dragged and rinsed in that autopilot mode of no resolution - the most feared scenario. How do we live with this hole we can't mend? Abrahams would say to go into an important talk the same way an athlete meditates before competing. Go through every contingency plan. Plan for the falls and disappointments, and then how it looks to get back up from them. Have that therapy session lined up, that Pilates class on the schedule, a hug from your bestie/your partner/snuggles with your little ones ready for you. Walk away with your head high knowing that you stayed kind to them while being true to yourself. You broke the pattern and set an example. Feel closure in knowing that you know what to expect. There's no fixing this, so you may as well be prepared for the mess. Next time you're armed with perspective, different expectations, your therapy tools, or just a bucket!

In fact if there's a problem in my house I can't fix, including guests at my table, I just put a bucket over it.

Excited to make your bodies sweat, smile, and be your best self ...

and put a bucket over the rest.

XO,

Celeste