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More Trips...Less Guilt Trips



So, a couple of facts about me that most of you are aware of are, when I'm not teaching Pilates, I'm a wife and mom. I also have a side career as a VFX freelance artist for film and television. Each of these on their own is pretty intense, detailed, and requires being very present. A different kind of presence, though.



As a mom, I'm a huge satellite—a big, round receiver of signals, all the big emotional ones and tiny subtle ones. My job is to receive all the signals and try to respond appropriately. So I'm just a big dish rolling around the house, chasing my 6-year-old, maybe with a vacuum attachment flopping behind (because crumbs). This looks more porous, improvised, and free-flowing.


As a VFX artist, I'm the human form of noise-cancellation headphones. I silence the world around me so I can dive into the world placed in front of me while pulling from the quiet abilities inside of me. A barrel of art training at the bottom and that handy glove compartment that lives in all of us—called instincts. This looks more closed off, mechanical, and organized.


Teaching Pilates is kind of a combo of the two. It looks very extroverted and free-flowing from the outside. However, it also requires the noise cancellation mode to prepare that effortless flow. Similar to mom mode, in the moment I have to be like a satellite and receiver of all the feedback coming my way. I'm listening to your cues as much as you are listening to mine. Simultaneously, I have to know when to cancel out the noise to hear the quiet abilities and instincts inside. The class prep and years of training queue up like quiet soldiers waiting for the signal. This looks like a combination of improvised and organized; free-flowing and mechanical.


Again, different, but all require a lot of attention to detail and being present. I try to compartmentalize each role as I'm doing it, laser-beam focused on the little human, large class, or intense assignment at hand. However, the laser beams can cross. A glance at my phone while I'm teaching class, and I see I missed a call from the school nurse. I'm in the middle of a VFX deadline when a notification comes in that a Pilates client cancelled themselves, and I know of another client who would want that slot. When these little collisions of worlds happen, I get this little red light that starts blinking. We're going to call this blinking light "GUILT."



Guilt can happen whenever you're not available to someone or something because you are doing something else. Then, on top of your work and home life obligations, crossing beams, there's this really cool trip opportunity coming up that is neither work nor mom-related. So you feel like you have no business going, except you could REALLY use a couple of days without feeling like a satellite or noise-cancellation headphones. You need to give your laser eyes and receiver a break and just decompress as YOU. Even though this break is completely understandable and all overheated systems and clogged vacuums need to reset themselves, we STILL don't do it. It's because of that little blinking red light within us - GUILT.



I knew guilt had a powerful hold on people, especially parents, but I didn't realize how powerful until I started hosting retreats and traveling more myself. It is the number one reason why a person who REALLY wants to go on a retreat, or do something that they really want to do, doesn't. Trust me, I can relate because it is the number one reason why I stop myself too!


Dr. Rebecca Kennedy is a psychologist. If you haven't seen her on Instagram or read one of her parenting books, you've probably heard her voice on a podcast. I just found out about her even though she's everywhere (too busy being a satellite or headphones), but I'm such a fan. She broke down what guilt is in a way that I have never heard and will forever change me. She says, "Guilt is a feeling I have when I act out of alignment with my values." She thinks it's actually useful because it forces you to reflect on WHY you acted out from your values. Why do you have this deeply uncomfortable feeling after doing something?

When you yell or snap at someone then feel guilty after, it is so important to think about why. What was it exactly that made you get so angry when you otherwise wouldn't? If your child stole something and lied about it, then got sad and felt really guilty after, that's a very good sign. The fact they slowed down to let those hard feelings sit, that's what keeps it from happening again. This is a useful feeling. This is when the red blinking light is useful.


However, she said in cases where a parent wants to go on a trip, or just a date with their significant other, but their child doesn't want them to go, so they don't - this is NOT guilt that held them back. If you're not a parent and you want to do something that would be meaningful to you, but you don't because you are worried about leaving your spouse, pet, or the workload, again Dr. Kennedy says this is NOT guilt. If the definition of guilt is "not being aligned with our values," and one of your values is being closer to your partner and/or traveling, then it's not guilt that is stopping you. These things would be in line with your values. Guilt would be if you didn't go, denying yourself of your values.


Dr. Kennedy says people, women and young girls especially, have been raised to notice everyone's feelings around them and to take care of everyone else's needs. This is at the cost of becoming distant from what we need ourselves. She says when we absorb other people's needs, this is EMPATHY and not guilt. Which is a beautiful thing to feel, but we shouldn't be carrying the whole burden. We shouldn't take on other people's feelings to the extent we deny ourselves of what we need and value. Dr. Kennedy says the most liberating thing is to "give that feeling back to its rightful owner." Giving it back gives you a boundary, and it gives them (the child, furry child, maybe a furry husband) the opportunity to learn how to cope. The feeling of fortitude of "I was worried but then I was able to recover ... and maybe even had fun," is the best gift and teaching moment you can give to the people around you. You are allowed to take care of your needs. You shouldn't steal anyone else's opportunity to overcome challenges.


This was so eye-opening. Obviously, a call from the nurse's office while I'm teaching is something I would need to respond to. However, there are far less urgent scenarios that have caused me so much anxiety. The blinking light kept me from being present or taking care of myself. I can't tell you how many VFX jobs or fun girls' trips I almost passed up because I was worried about being less available as a mom. I really value my creative abilities and the VFX process. I really value time with my friends and the ability to travel with them. The discomfort is because I empathize with how my daughter might feel when she wants me to put her to bed instead of her dad or grandparents. This is me taking on my daughter's discomfort as my own. It's empathy, not guilt. It's stealing from my needs and my family's ability to handle it.


This week, we will both realign our bodies and our values. We'll start with grounding moves that will feel like noise-canceling headphones. Focusing on our intentions for class, we will locate our strengths and our needs. Find our own footing and a strong stance first. Then we will take off the proverbial headphones and absorb the energy in the room, receiving and sending strong signals. We can navigate higher coordination and be more agile since we've built in boundaries and a better balance. Whether that's editing with modifications or pushing with progressions to better match YOUR needs. If you ever get lost in the moves, remember we have that handy glove compartment that lives in all of us—called instincts. The more you try to tap into these parts of yourself, remind yourself of your values, the more it starts to happen naturally. Whether that's making time for yourself, taking better care of yourself, scheduling fun things, showing up for workouts, going on that RETREAT in MARCH!!!


It'll feel counterintuitive at first, but keep showing up to the things that serve your needs. If you're still a mess, a complete empathetic puddle, know I'll take you in whatever condition you come in. Meet you where you are. Remember, I come with a vacuum attachment.


In case you want to hear more about guilt and building boundaries, this is a good listen: an interview with Dr. Rebecca Kennedy.

It's long but so worth it!


Excited to make your bodies sweat, smile, and don't let guilt get in the way of your glow!


XO,

Celeste

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© 2023 by Celeste Caliri. Seattle and Beyond.

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