ALOOOOOOOOOOO-HA! I'm back friends!!
Ten days ago I went to Vashon with my husband, no child, just a backpack, a bike, and ticket to walk onto a ferry. We let our hair down and then quickly secured it with a bike helmet. Gliding down hills (and up .... I had an ebike), wind stretched back our faces, nowhere we had to be. Then cut to being on a plane, sitting in a seat coated with smashed wheat thins and the lids to things. Just me and my child, my copilot who is powered on gummies and downloaded shows. We're headed to Hawaii. Sounds super exotic and exciting, and it is - I will never take that for granted. However Hawaii is where my family is, and visiting family is never simple.
I touch on this a lot because I think it's something so many of clients and friends, and my own family members, grapple with. Even the nice school teacher sitting next to me on the plane was heading to paradise like we were, but not exactly psyched about it. She's going for a memorial and her whole family will be there, their relationships are not easy so it was a really big hard step to get on that plane. Shows how powerful and common it is. Two strangers sitting next to each other going to HAWAII, a land where people go to kick up their feet and truly relax, but we're going in feeling weighed and skeptical. Not going to escape but we're actually flying into the belly of triggers and facing complicated dynamics. The biggest reason why I think it's complicated and worth grappling is because we do love them. I will rally behind them and defend them at the drop of a hat. Even if we're not in sync, I don't completely understand them, exhausted by their nonsense, feeling done with them. I will also stand behind them and say "I'm with them." Grab them by the shoulders to shake them and then pull them in to hug them ... repeat. That's a confusing thing to sort out, and occupies most our time in the therapist office.
What has helped me is I've just concluded that families are the biggest conundrum there is. They are just going to exist as exactly that. I will not try to hope for smooth and be surprised by rocky. Assume it won't go well and then be hopeful when it does. I will just head into it with my seatbelt buckled and ride the highs and lows, like the jumping jagged line on an electrocardiograph. My family is equally amazing and generous as they are complicated and have their limitations. They are equal parts chill and crippled with anxiety. We are always invited there ... except not always. There's space for us ... but not really. Relax ... but also walk on these egg shells.
There's also a lot of them, so at the same time the ride is bumpy there is whiplash. When one has got it together another one is coming apart. One is a regular brother in human form while the other is transforming into a wereworf. Â One is easy to talk to while the other one won't fully let you finish a sentence because they are busy biting your head off. Sibling wack-a-mole. So even within the family rollercoaster there's a lot of slamming the brakes and rerouting. I'm riding this but I know where the brakes are and my boundaries are, I can also steer this.
So yes I decided family doesn't have to be great or not great, I'm going to accept them as both, take them as a Caliri-conundrum. The same way when someone asks me how the trip was, it wasn't great and it wasn't not great. It was a beautiful complicated conundrum. The highs were blissful highs, sweet sparkly moments, the lows were not fun lows. Just shit. I will say though my copilot, my little traveling Noemie, quickly went from gummies and downloaded shows to swimming the open ocean everyday, sailing with her favorite dog, fed chickens out her hand, rolled on the grass and stared at the stars with her cousin, ate passion fruit, dragon fruit, had her first bite of ahi. She argued with me that shaved ice is actually called a snow cone ... but then it didn't really matter she just wanted one.
On one our last nights her uncle was showing her a plasma ball. You know those balls that look like crystal balls but have a currency inside that looks like lightening. He explained how the electrons are trying to ground themselves. The rogue fronds of plasma are desperately wanting to connect, which is why the arcs are attracted to her hand when she touches the globe. She quietly soaked up that information while soaking up the electric tentacle reaching to her hand. Then she put the same hand on my dad's head, who was on the other side of her. She immediately looked at my brother and without even having to ask he said, "yes it works the same way." I realized that's basically what this visit was.
It wasn't about solving anything or fixing the conundrum. It was simply soaking it in and touching base. Seeing those fiery orbs of energy as my brothers and my parents. All coexisting as a family in a glass case, dancing and looking for grounding. The untethered and helterskelter dance is not trying to push us away but actually trying to connect. Sometimes when something looks scattered it's desperately looking for connection. I just have to come in and put my hand on it. It doesn't have to be perfect contact or the most epic trip, it just had to be contact. I'd say it worked both ways seeing that despite all of Noemie's new favorite furry and feathered friends she met, all the epic swims and icy treats she's had, on the plane ride back she said she missed Mami and Papi, her cousin, and her uncles the most. A little contact went a long way.
This week let's see the scattered parts of ourselves as just our bodies looking for grounding and connection. I've been playing with "the tipping point" a lot. Which that shaky edge where you don't know whether to fall on your face or lunge forward to safety. However we know that quivery hang time is where we need stamina to find strength and a deeper connection in our body. I will be like the hand on the outside of your glass casing. I will coach that frantic energy and give it a feeling of connection - what I call finding "handles in space." The balance work in itself will help you find a calm that silences doubt or judgement. Just like a home visit to an unpredictable kinetic family ... a little contact goes a long way.
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